Potatoes
by Pixelated Optimism
Summary: Delaying your death has its perks.


**Potatoes**

**Author: Pixelated Optimism **

_Delaying your death has its perks._

* * *

In Levi's opinion, despite the suicidal psychotic shifters, horse-faced shitless assholes, biggest mother-fucking traitors, and coward baby faced birdbrains, the graduates of the 104th aren't bad. In fact, they could've been the brightest of their league.

Of course that is given to the fact that their seniors either chickened out or was eaten.

Graduation wasn't everything, that is given. The real deal always begins on whether or not the new graduates would survive their first mission outside the walls. In all honesty he could've spat it directly to Erwin's large face, or better yet to the brass that he was against it. Even the most skilled of his league cannot cheat death. And what manner it is, to die being eaten by Titans.

But this was inevitable. Delaying your death has its perks.

What would come after the first mission was a soldier with high survival rate, equipped with skills plausible enough to let them survive for the next mission. After all, a streak of luck is nothing but a short-lived hope. Outside the walls they were Titan treats, just a bunch of kids forced to wear maneuver gears and accept the fact that the next day might not be the same as today, that they might find themselves inside a cavernous mouth, or they might lose a limb or two, that they might watch their own friends devoured in front of them. Things that could've offended even those who are heartless had become a habit to them.

A real pity.

He had a fair share of the horrors of being in the Survey Corps. He had lost a lot of great men, and he knew this wouldn't cease. As long as there are Titans he would lose another Petra and Olouo and Eldo and Gunther.

"_We're done for!_"

A nerve cracked. Levi was near to the brim of losing his patience.

"I won't see my friends again we'd be eaten alive I wonder how many Titans would fight over my lifeless carcass what would my Father feel about my death I wished I ate that meat I stole from Connie this morning those potatoes too Mikasa would probably offer me a loaf of bread in loving memor—"

"_Shut up_"

She turned, _that_ . . . _nearly psychotic_ . . . _thing_ which reminded him of Hanji with a shudder and looked at him with sickening puppy brown eyes that made Levi want to gouge it out with his own blades, though reconsidering the task would probably cost him a clean handkerchief afterwards.

A lifetime worth of sigh. He looked up. The small opening basked the _thing_ with a little spotlight, a futile attempt to feel the sun before their untimely death.

Levi tried to assess their situation. _Their fucking situation_.

They were in some sort of cave. He was with a _thing_ worse than _Eren Jaeger_. There were no reinforcements to come. He was out of blades.

Yeah, what a way to die. Humanity's strongest his ass.

Partially blaming himself as to why he tried to save the thing when she recklessly tried to keep a senior from being deboned by an _aberrant, _Levi dusted a nearby boulder and settled himself comfortably, arms crossed on his chest.

"If we're lucky enough, one of those idiots would notice we're missing" he tried to say, though he was doubtful about it, he knew squad leaders would tend to lax out when it was all about him. After all, Levi would be the last man to be saved like some fucking damsel in distress. If it was only him he could worm out a way. Probably use his 3DMG, kill a couple of Titans, and whistle for reinforcements.

But no. He wasn't alone. He was with that _thing._

Now he wants Eren Jaeger with him, at least he could slice the freak off and he'd go turn into a Titan and run their way back to Trost.

Blasted. He never so much dreamed of having Eren Jaeger's company.

The thing started to cry.

"Can you spare me some silence or do you want me to stitch that noisy trap of yours?" he snapped, and the thing covered her mouth with her hands. It was infectious, her misery. Levi started to feel a great knot settle down on his chest.

He had worse than this. Way worse than this.

His stomach grumbled. _Fuck_, that one cup of tea and two slices of bread seemed ages ago.

"Heichou~"

A chill went down his spine as he jumped off the boulder. The _thing_ was already on her feet, looming behind his shoulder. She had a mad glint on her eyes, like the ones Hanji used to have whenever you ask her about her Titan researches. The uncanny similarity made everything worse.

"What the hell is wrong with you?"

She seemed to be in a fit, her shoulders hunkering up and down, her mouth slack-jawed, and an eminent garbled laugh issued form her throat.

"Heichou, are you hungry Heichou?"

He cringed. Now what the hell is going on?

She looked suspiciously around, as if somehow people would magically turn up in the cave. Slowly, her hand fished something inside her clothes, and Levi watched in fascination as she produced . . .

A _moldy_ looking, _large_, _wart infested_ potato.

"Yes" she said dramatically "My last one"

In disgust of her and of that thing which she was holding, he took tentative steps away from her and pointed at the brown thing on her hand.

"How long is that thing been sitting on your shirt pocket?" he tried to hide panic on his voice. Somehow being trapped in a cave was superficial. He shuddered at the thought of those times he had close contact with her, with that _thing _rotting on her clothes_!_

"I have stowed this for the worst times" she said pompously. "It's the largest one I've got out of the kitchen!" she added brightly.

Judging by how the mold had covered most of the thing Levi could only look at her in disbelief.

"Throw it away!" he ordered, his voice ringing all throughout the cave. She gasped and held the thing protectively.

"You people from the city have no regard whatsoever with food!" she yelled back. A nerve finally cracked.

"You have no idea how well I know about rotting food" _and drinking sewer water, for that matter._

"Then we could eat this" she said, almost in a reverent whisper, and Levi did seriously considered sticking up his last blade on his head. With adept fingers, she divided the thing into two and offered the lesser piece towards him.

"Here, Heichou" she said with shining eyes, drool pooling out of the corner of her mouth.

He stepped back.

"Here, Heichou, take it" she cooed.

He was wrong. This was the worst.

"Fuck off" he said "I'd die first before you can shove that blasted rotting thing down my throat!"

Her eyes gleamed bright.

With a yell resembling a war-cry she jumped inhumanely towards him, arms outstretched, ready to push that hellish thing on his mouth. He jumped out of the way, but she was persistent. With a flash of surprise he realized her hand caught his hood, and he saw her other hand fly in the air, armed with that green stale thing—it was getting near—he barely caught a flash of green—a stench so overpowering caught his nose—it was his end.

"HEWARRSHOO"

They both stopped and looked up.

A set of large teeth was hovering above them. Eren Jaeger's Titan form was hunkering on the hole, with Mikasa Ackerman perched on his shoulder, jaws opened at the sight below.

Levi shoved the thing off of her.

He would never, ever eat potatoes again.

* * *

It sucks. Bury me alive.

_This was bloody hard, bloody bloody hard, in fact if I had the fancy of having a choice between being eaten alive by Titans and writing a Levi crackfic I'd never ever prefer the latter._

_I kinda imagined this was another recon mission out the walIs and yes I know the terrain in the anime wouldn't warrant the possibility of a cave's existence so blame the one who gave the prompt. Not my fault folks. Just kidding._

_The hard prompt goes to my psychedelic acquaintance and the love goes to my very own soul sister. You two know who you are. Please leave a review or I'll kill you and offer your dismembered parts to the Titans. Seryoso ako, pramis, ****** at ****_

_P.S. to ****** sorry it took me ages to post this, damn my technically challenged self._

Listening to the 56 Beatles songs I managed to download with our crappy internet connection, congratulate me, please \(*U*\)

おつみる ばけもの


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